Lesson 3: Four Steps for Achieving Differentiation
Introduction:
Presentation: Four Steps for Achieving Differentiation
There are four essential steps to the process of differentiation. The first three steps help you separate from negative influences, adaptations and overlays on your personality that have been internalized. The last step is about surfacing the real you, the unique person you truly wish to become – whoever that may be. This presentation will offer an in-depth explanation of each of these steps. Remember, as you engage in these steps, that real change is most always accompanied by anxiety. Changing these deep-rooted behaviors is sure to shake you up. Remember to be patient and have compassion for yourself as you dive into these core issues and start to challenge your defenses.
Recommended Reading:
Each of the four steps of differentiation that I highlight in this lesson help you to further break the shackles that bind you to your past and move you closer to the life you alone want to lead. The articles and chapters for this week will offer an overview of these steps and illustrate important aspects of this process.
Exercises:
Exercise 1: Your Critical Inner Voice Attacks
In order to challenge our critical inner voice, we have to identify it and start to see it as an enemy as opposed to our real point of view. This exercise of writing down your “voices” and putting them in the second-person is the first step in breaking with these destructive thoughts and attitudes.
In your journal:
1. Draw a vertical line, splitting the page into two columns.
2. On the left side, write both your self-critical and self-soothing attacks as “I” statements.
- “I don’t think I’m an attractive person.”
- “I should just have another drink. I deserve it.”
3. On the right side of the page, change this statement to the second person, as a “you” statement.
- “You are not attractive.”
- “You should just have another drink.”
Exercise 2: Your Critical Inner Voice Vs. the Real You
It’s important to respond to these mean thoughts rather than indulge them. This exercise focuses on challenging your critical inner voice attacks as well as the self-soothing thoughts that lure you to behave in self-limiting or self-destructive ways.
In your journal:
1. Draw a vertical line, splitting the page into two columns.
2. On the left side, write both your self-critical and self-soothing attacks as “you” statements.
- “You’re so stupid.”
- “Don’t go out tonight. You’re fine on your own.”
3. On the right side of the page, write a more compassionate point of view that represents the real you as an “I” statement.
- “I struggle at work at times, but I learn fast and usually do a good job.”
- “I don’t want to be shy and isolated. I want to push myself and meet people.”
Exercise 3: A Plan for Action
Once you have identified and responded to your critical inner voice, it’s important to resist taking actions dictated by this inner enemy and to start to take actions that represent your real goals, desires and point of view.
In your journal:
1. Write down actions that are dictated by your critical inner voice.
2. Identify ways you reenact or react to negative traits in your parents or other influential early caretakers in your current life.
3. On the right side of the page, write actions to take that reflect the real you.