Lesson 2: Separation Theory: The Roots of Personal Identity
Introduction:
Presentation: Separation Theory: The Roots of Personal Identity
The presentation for this lesson explores what developmental factors form someone’s personality and create their psychological defenses. In other words, what drives human behavior? What causes people to act in ways that are self-limiting or simply not in their own best interest? By learning how we internalize destructive influences from the outside world, we can understand what motivates our current way of being and relating. With this foundation of self-awareness, real change is possible.
Recommended Reading:
Whose life are you really living? How is your past shaping your present? The readings I’ve selected below offer specific insights into these broad-seeming questions. As you skim these texts, it’s valuable to uphold an open and inquisitive attitude without being judgmental. Try to maintain a compassionate outlook toward yourself and the experiences that have shaped your life.
Exercises:
Exercise 1: Seeing Your Parents’ Traits and Behaviors Realistically
People often confuse reflecting on their parents’ actions as a process of blame. Yet, that is far from the goal of this exercise. The purpose is rather to have more compassion for yourself and to develop a fuller understanding of yourself along with the attitudes and behaviors you were exposed to that informed how you operate today. Getting to know the influences that hurt you or that you disagree with can help you to differentiate from the destructive adaptations you’ve made in response to these conditions.
Part 1: In your journal, describe your parents’ traits and behaviors:
1. Did you experience any long-term separations from your parent or parents during your childhood? Through death? Divorce? Illness? If so, describe your reactions at the time.
2. What do you think your parents offered you that has been the most valuable to you in your adult life? Describe these traits, values, or ideals.
3. What faults or weaknesses did you dislike in your parent or parents? Describe these traits.
4. Were your parents strict or overly permissive in their discipline of you and your siblings? Describe an example of how they disciplined you.
Part 2: In your journal, identify shaming experiences:
1. As a child, were you beaten or scolded in the presence of others?
2. Did your parents demonstrate through behaviors that they liked you?
3. Did you ever feel humiliated by things your parents did or said in front of others?
4. Did you ever feel like your parents resented having to meet your needs?
Exercise 2: What is Your Attachment History?
Your early attachment style can have a strong influence on your behavior as an adult, particularly on your relationships. The core elements of attachment are based on whether you felt safe, seen, soothed and secure. This exercise can help you better understand your own attachment style. You can learn more about the different attachment styles here.
Look at your early relationships:
- Did you ever feel rejected by your parents?
- Did you feel safe, seen, soothed and secure?
- How did your parents interact with you when you were happy/excited? When you were in distress (ill, injured or unhappy)?
- Were you able to talk to your parents about emotions? Was there an emotional connection?
- Was there someone you could turn to for comfort at difficult times?
- Did you feel your parents saw you for who you are or through their own projections and expectations?